What I Think These Five Housewives Would Be Like as My Driving Instructor
by Sydney Schiller
I’m 21 and I still don’t know how to drive. I tried once when I was 16 and ran over like four different curbs. I got too freaked out. I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was eight and I still don’t know how to ride a bike. There are a lot of things I can’t do – let's be real, nobody's perfect. Sometimes I chalk it up to being a late bloomer; I didn’t realize I was bisexual until my senior year of high school (apparently incessant rewatches of The Hunger Games didn’t ring any bells).
Truthfully, I’m okay with not knowing how to do a lot of things. Not having my license was my cross to bear. And one I bore proudly until I realized… if I'm (potentially) going to be moving out to L.A. soon, I’m going to need to learn how to drive. And, because all of my friends and family are too scared to get in a car with me behind the wheel, I decided to utilize my extensive Real Housewives knowledge and deduce how some of Bravo’s finest might fare as my driving instructor.
Ramona Singer:
As a New Yorker, I think she’d be pretty good at navigating, but if I were to make a wrong turn or miss a green light, she’d freak-the-fuck out on me; telling me that a blind dog wouldn't have missed that turn, or how my hair is too greasy, how I’m such a beautiful girl, and it’s a shame that I dress a little too gay. It’s all a part of her process… so she claims. I think at some point she’d forget she was my driving instructor and start treating me like her personal assistant. She’d have me run errands for her, like picking up her dry cleaning in the Upper West Side and dropping her off at cryo-therapy on Wednesdays.
Kyle Richards:
Because Kyle’s a mom of four girls, she could definitely handle the high pressure situation of teaching me how to drive. Of course, she’d be tough on me and constantly remind me how dangerous driving is, which in turn would only make my OCD worse. Oh, and she definitely wouldn’t let me play my music during our first few lessons. “Driving with music is a privilege, I don’t want you getting distracted.” Which is fair to say, but then she’d totally negate her point by turning up The Howard Stern Show on SiriusXM ever so slightly..She does know I can hear it right? When it comes to parallel parking, she’d make me get out and do it herself. “It’s just easier if I do it.
Teresa Giudice:
Another mom of four girls who I think would handle a stressful situation well. No highways for our first lesson. I mean, let’s face it, it’s every man for himself on I-95. It’s a fucking blood bath out there. One time on the Jersey Turnpike, she tried to merge into the far left lane, but this ford-raptor was right behind her. So she takes a banana out, eats like half of it, then throws it out the window causing the truck to skid out of control and crash into four other cars. She didn’t look back once. Despite me being a new driver, she’d have me pick up her youngest girls from school, drop them off at their after-school activities, and then pick up groceries because I have to help her with the sauce for Sunday night dinner. As a treat for doing such a good job, we’d go get pignoli cookies from her favorite Italian bakery and listen to Deepak Chopra in her car.
Tamara Judge:
Tamara lives life fast. She’s intense. She’d strongly advise me to learn stick shift first, even though I am nowhere near ready for it. Tamara would also have me practice in a Jeep with the doors pulled off. She claims that "she and all her cheerleader friends drove doorless Jeeps in high school" and that “I should stop being such a pussy”. Despite her tough exterior, Tamara is incredibly sensitive. If I were to even mention moving the front mirror slightly she’d have a full-blown meltdown, saying how she failed me as a mother and a teacher and that it’s all her fault. I am also a very reactive person who doesn't handle criticism well under pressure, so at least one of us would be crying by the end. Of course, this would all happen before we even pulled out of the driveway.
And last, but certainly not least…
NeNe Leakes:
NeNe would take on the role of my driving instructor in stride. She’d probably lean into her acting skills and pull from Roz Washington of Glee. She’d put me through driving drills: parking in between the cones, 3 point turns in-under a minute, and, or blowing her whistle to point out any mistakes. With determination, focus, and raw passion, NeNe – I mean Roz – would make me feel like I'm a gangly 12-year-old at swim practice again. Not a mental state I'd like to be in while trying to make a U-turn.
Conclusion:
Now, If I had to pick anyone out of the five women I’ve mentioned, Kyle would probably be the most logical choice. I need a calm but firm hand for my first few lessons. But, just like I quit lacrosse because it was too difficult and scary, I'll probably quit driving after a few lessons. So I guess my options are to have my mom drive me to work, or move to a walkable city.
Next Up…
Bravo-lebirites that I think would be good at teaching me how to ride a bike, but then post a video of me falling on their Instagram reels to “This Girl is On Fire” by Alicia Keys:
- Lisa Barlow
- Denise Richards
- Bethenny Frankle
- Kim Richards
- Jen Shah
- Andy Cohen